We’re Probably All Difficult People
I can be a difficult person.
For some people.
Some of the time.
Probably, you can be too.
Sometimes my energy is strong, or out of proportion. Sometimes I don’t respond in the way that the other person wants or needs. And sometimes people get upset, irritated or annoyed, with me.
Sometimes I get annoyed and irritated when I don’t get what I want or need from the other person. When they don’t listen to me in the way that I want them to, or when they don’t understand what I am talking about because its outside their experience. I guess that makes me a difficult person, for that person, in that moment.
I have my difficult people too. Sometimes it makes perfect sense why I find that person or situation difficult. And there are other people that I simply find difficult, for reasons I don’t yet understand.
Normally we don’t talk about such things. It’s easier to judge or blame the other, so that we don’t need to look at our part in it. In any case it’s easier to ignore them or avoid them. After all, who wants to be around a difficult person?
Is there good advice out there for dealing with difficult people?
I looked at some of the considered wisdom on the subject, some of the better advice I saw was over here on Forbes. I am sure some of it can be useful. The problem is that a lot of the advice is all about the other person: how you can protect yourself from these difficult people, and avoid them, and therefore continue to judge them. Ultimately that doesn’t solve very much.
I find that when I recognise that this person represents something for me then I have more power to change how I feel towards that person. Sometimes the person reminds me of a difficult person form my past. Sometimes they behave in ways I would secretly love to – but I don’t dare to. Often it’s what they do or don’t do that I find difficult – their behaviour more than their personality. Usually these difficult characters take up more air time than they deserve. That’s my repsonsibility to put them back in their place – and make them less significant.
When I am able to keep the perspective that however annoying this person is, they are a human being as well, things usually go much better.
So instead of falling into negative thoughts, or blame or judgement – see if you can recognise that this other person suffers just like you do. From my perspective, I find this approach brings me more peace and calm than I can find otherwise.
I am not running away from the difficult situation between us.
I am not pretending thing are OK when they are not.
Sometimes that other person really did do something that was not good for me, or they judged me, or they did something that I felt was wrong. And maybe sometimes I just got triggered, and over-reacted. It probably happens to all of us.
AND at the same time, whatever they did or didn’t do they are also a human being with fears and hopes and longings, just like I am.
Of course, depending on the situation, it can take a while to get to this place and to really mean it!
I started using this mantra whenever I feel challenged by one of my difficult people:
It goes like this:
“Here is a person, just like me:
- This person is just like me, they are seeking some happiness for his/her life.
- This person is just like me, they are trying to avoid suffering in their life.
- Just like me this person knows sadnes, loneliness and despair.
- Just like me this person is seeking to fulfil their own needs.
- This person is just like me in so many ways.
(Taken from theavatarcourse.com)
I gave this exercise recently in a two-day training I was giving for a client. Much to my surprise at the end of the training they asked to do this exercise again because they felt it would be a great way for them to go back out in to the everyday world.
I invite you to check out, who, in your circle, you find most difficult or annoying. I invite you to try out this mantra for that person and see what happens. And if you don’t have anyone you can always try it with a politician?!
