You can be surrounded by people and still feel profoundly alone.
Whilst this may be true for people in different contexts, as a senior leader it has a particular nuance . You are a doing a great job running your organisation and yet ‘it’s lonely at the top.’
Why Does it Feel Lonely at the Top?
You may notice that the feedback that you get these days is more polite and harder to decipher than it used to be.
You have more responsibility on your shoulders now. But who do you trust enough to give you a completely honest opinion on your ideas?
You have peers of course. There are other leaders in similar positions. But it takes true courage to be vulnerable enough to lean into their support. It may even feel a bit like you ae competing with them in some way. If that’s the case, it would make it even harder for you to let them see your challenges.
You might be reporting to your Board, the CEO or another more senior leader. In either case they will likely be more interested in results and your ability to deliver than anything else.
What about your friends and family ? You might be lucky enough to have good support here, but the specifics of what you’re navigating can feel hard to translate. Too often it is hard to express what support you need. So you don’t ask for what you most need.
All this to say – You are not alone – these challenges and the feeling of aloneness is incredibly common amongst senior leaders like yourself.
How Can You Lead When You Don’t Have All the Answers?
Have you noticed that no-one likes uncertainty? And you are the one who is supposed to have all the answers . Have you noticed how uncertainty travels up the way from junior top more senior people. Certainty is expected to travel down the way.
Here’s the thing , in the words of Sierra Larson
“Your relationship to uncrertainty defines your leadership “
You have to risk being vulnerable to share your uncertainty with the team or with the board. Doing this takes courage and humility. However it will help you feel more supported and less alone.
Case study
I was working with the Country Head of a major pharma company recently . Her management team told her there was no need to learning the local languages. They told her not to bother as everyone speaks English anyway and why should she waste her time on it. She began to doubt herself.
Her instinct was right. She knew it was important to make the effort to learn the languages. She knew it would give a needed signal to the local staff. She had to dig deeper into her own leadership and do what she felt to be right. It meant she had to ignore the advice of the people who were supposed to be her trusted partners. And that was hard.
We explored this together in coaching. I encouraged her to trust her instinct and to go ahead with learning the languages anyway. At a later session she shared how much her efforts had paid off. The local team had really appreciated her efforts . That went a long way to help her gain their trust and support.
As result of our work together, she had learned to trust her instincts. This was essential given how alone she had felt.
Why is CEO burnout on the rise?
The answer may be simpler than you think.
When you are unable to share what is really going on, it accumulates. And at some point, something has to give.
The numbers are striking. In the UK up to 77% all CEOs report experiencing significant loneliness in their careers, and the figures are rising. Research from Harvard Professor Dr. Hise Gibson indicates a strong correlation between burnout and loneliness.
This is not a personal failing. It is the predictable result of leading without real support.
And sadly this isn’t a problem that is going away any time soon.
The world has become increasingly uncertain, especially in recent years. How many organisations had planned for the pandemic or the turbulent political landscape that many countries are now in? Not being able to embrace this level of uncertainty and share it can only need to more loneliness, as the data suggests.
Why do You feel You Have Outgrown Your Network?
For most of us, we change over time. As a senior leader you may not have time to reflect or even notice your internal changes. You may start to notice it when things like dinners with peers and other social situations don’t’ energise or empower you in the ways that they used to. You might like to stop going but you also feel the need to be seen at those gatherings.
You might find that you are even feeling disloyal, or even guilty After all, these are your people. This is the world you worked hard to enter.
To quote Brené Brown
“Outgrowing your own life isn’t betrayal – it’s evolution”
To get where you are today you have done your inner work as well as the outer work. Perhaps others have not yet done that. You may feel a need for a different type of conversation, beyond the social banter. You may want to talk about things at greater depth and that has more meaning. Perhaps to explore your own doubts or reflect on who you are becoming . Not everyone has the capacity for that type of conversation with you. Yet you may still long for it.
You are no longer the person you once were. Yet you find many in your network want to connect with the person that you were, and not to the person you are becoming. And that can bring its own kind of loneliness.
Why Nobody Talks About Leadership Loneliness
Here’s the real problem. Loneliness at the top can carry a stigma:
You have achieved everything you set out to – yet something feels missing? You might even feel like a failure and that you should feel more grateful? These are difficult feelings. It’s too easy to pack them away and get on with what’s next on your agenda. Yet it matters if you continue to ignore them.
And yet, even if you name it just to yourself it can bring unexpected relief. When you do finally find a way to share your experience. You might be surprised to discover how common thee feelings are amongst your peers.
What is the Cost of this Loneliness?
Think about it. If you are not able get the honest opinions and feedback of others, it can’t help but have an impact on your decision making. Therefore, it will also have an impact on your business as a whole.
At a personal level you can feel that you are carrying everything on your own shoulders. You are missing the support you need. It can feel like a slow burn out, it can zap the very things that got you here. Your energy, your clarity, your sense of purpose. Yet you carry on, because you want to deliver.
What Can You Do About Leadership Loneliness?
The first step is to bring more awareness to what is really going on for you. A good place to start would be to carve out some time for Self-Reflection. Reflect on what is working and what isn’t, and what you want to change.
Awareness is everthing. I if you are not aware of an issue how can you possibly resolve it?
And if its difficult fit you to look at on your own, It might help to find a mentor or coach. Where possible, this could be someone outside of your organisation. This can help bring more freedom to explore your challenges.
If you recognise yourself in any of this and would like to explore what support might look like, I’d love to have a conversation. please get in contact. I’d love to connect with you.
